July 28th, 2013

This story ends with me on the kitchen floor practically stuck on it from the split drinks with a tea towel covering my body.
It was Sophies Birthday and being a big one we decided one night was certainly not enough! This is part One. We took Sophie out for her birthday in the bar to a local cocktail bar. This started off very civilized with tapas and a few drinks. She then stated that shes never tequila (who hasn’t had tequilaaaa!!!!). school boy error! We bought her 4 shots and got a fifth free. She started shotting them with the lime and salt, i resisted making her do a suicide. This was about 3pm and i got a call from a company i applied too for a job. They wanted to do a telephone interview there and then. Awkward i was already half cut. I had to read something to show i had ‘excellent communication skills’ and that i was good on the phone. The only thing i had was a menu so i got the job by reading the names of cocktails haha… ‘Harvey Wallbanger’ ‘Sex on the Beach’ and one called a ‘Flaming Orgasm’ certainly different.

We threw her a party with the theme being Musicals and we all had to pick one similar too our personalities. So of course i chose Roxie Hart from Chicago as shes a man killing slut. Thought it was quite appropriate. I had a little black skirt on, a plunging red mesh top, fishnets and a bowler hat. Not forgetting the red lipstick.

The party was in full swing everyone had to bring their own alcohol so we ended up with loads. I was on to my second bottle of champagne well i call it that it was more charmaine. We started playing ring of fire and i noticed that someone left a garlic glove on the window not sure why… So i threw it out the window. I wasnt looking and ended up hitting the security guard in the face. oops. He came up stairs to see what was going on. That was a BAD MOVE.

As soon as he came through the door we forced him into doing a shot of sambucca. In 10 minutes we were racing down the corridoor with him doing a sac race with charity bags everyone gets sent through the door. We were getting piggy backs. He was loving it. Until i stroked his face with my plastic gun right down his cheek. He did give us all lolly pops. If we wasnt all over the age id be concerned PEADOOOO.

At about 12 we ventured out to the on campus bar and carried on drinking. As it was the end of term it was pretty dead so it actuall ylooked like we had privately rented it out. Me and Mel dressed as a pink lady was doing laps around the bar getting a drink every lap when ever a One Direction song came on. With was often. Pusssssssies. She then joined the dj booth herself and chatted up the dj for about three hours as i was dancing on my own really cheesy old school moves. I was loving life.

When it closed we headed back bumping into the twin of a boy mel had been with. She was busy talking to him and demanded to go to his house, he wasnt sure what to do and just agreed with it poor boy. Funnily enough i had fancied him for ages well pointed him out when he walked past, about as far as i got.

As i didnt have any covers on my bed i went to sleep in Mel and as i face the back you cant see in my window so never close my curtains. Mels was the opposite side and i began to change and take off my clothes i had just my knickers on when i got a tweet. It just said i can see your boobs. I was like ooooops… asa i was pretty wasted i thought it would be funny to put on a little show. He came round unexpected… Il leave it at that hahahah. Who says twitter is shit ūüėČ485532_10151621948629444_1518634148_n





I didn’t do anything Sir… I promise

July 25th, 2013

Well this night ended up with my cleaners seeing me emerge from a police car and highfiving the driver…

Going back to the beginning of the night we all knew it was going to end up messy after buying:
2 bottles of wine
1 bottle of amaretto
5 shots
1 litre bottle of Absolute Vodka
1 litre bottle of Sourz
and 4 trays of vodka and Schnapps Jelly
This was just for pre drinking as our bus to take us into Liverpool arrived at 10. By this time Mel couldn’t walk and was wearing a Asda plastic bag as a skirt. We managed to make it on the bus which was chaos as the bus was rammed full with people siting in the aisles and in the luggage compartment. Surly that’s not Legal!

Well after losing my card and waiting for a replacement i had zero money to take out with me. So Lesson number two in exploiting people is 2.Wear a Birthday badge and you are guaranteed free drinks.

As this was a 30 minute Journey I discovered my Birthday badge was missing after 10 minutes. This caused a major panic as i needed more alcohol on the night and a way of getting the freebies and a conversation started. I then found of after calling out for it that someone had stolen it. SHIT HIT THE FAN. I was quite close to punching her but i got it back. All this drama had clearly unsettled my bladder and i was actually going to wee. Stacey also needed one so evaluating our options all we had to the back of the bus and a bottle. Well this is where i envy men how can a girl with just a hole and no way of directing your piss into a small bottle opening have a wee discreetly and cleanly. Well you can’t its safe to say both of our wee went all over the floor and down our hands. At least it wasn’t our knickers.

Everyone began exiting the bus the usual way but being our usual impatient selves we decide to leave by the fire escape needless to say this wasn’t a good idea the ‘hole’ which you had to get out of was the height of me and in 6 inch heels i jumped and felt like i broke my ankles and was sprawled out when Mel and Stacey made the leap of faith leaving us all tangled in each others limbs. After pretending nothing had happened we joined the queue where my drunk fetish came out of stroking nearly bald mens heads as you can see from the photo the camera caught me.

The rest of the night becomes a little hazy after entering the club but this story really becomes hilarious. Obviously in my opinion YOLO. So after getting numerous free drinks and stealing a black cap which i wore backwards all night , Gangster. I find Mel again and see her pulling this guy not that bad looking she also was wearing a photo frame around her neck why i do not know. With my Vodka redbull in my hand and backwards cap mel decided that i probably needed some help and threw me on her pull which we then took in turns. Everymans dream? No. This was also caught but the camera and can see me waiting patiently lurching behind them. In the 3 months of knowing her we are definitely far too comfortable in each others company.

The night goes on with me in search of another drink. I see a boy which can only be described as a spitting image as Micheal Buble. Beautiful. We began talking and he offers to buy me a birthday drink after buying me it i just had to pull him. (Slutty Ashleigh) He then replied with ‘oh My birthdays March 15th) Coinsidently this is my real birthday. He looked confused as I actually got excited and told him that’s it’s also mine. I thought my cover was blown until he went ‘I’ve never met someone with two birthday you’re like the queen’ and winked with this I decided he was a massive legend and got his number funnily enough were still texting. Full on little girls crush.

So after this my night becomes one big blur and I seem to have blanked out two ours which does worry me slightly. I managed to blag my way into VIP. Lesson number three always chat up bouncers because they give you the privileges. It free champagne and entry in VIP. The birthday badge also helps.
This was the last thing I remember and a blonde man in a suit. This must of been about 3 as the next thing I remember is crawling down a posh marble corridor with chandeliers must of pulled a rich man , if only I could remember. When I tooked at my phone it was 5 and the bus taking me home left at three. OH DEAR.

So this is where my night took an interesting turn. Due to losing my bank card ad taking no money out with me I couldn’t pay for the taxi I rang. But I thought I’d figure that out nearer my he. So half way there the taxi driver stopped and demanded ¬£13 I didn’t have this so I began to argue even though he didn’t speak a lot of English. With this he grabbed my bag so I threw my arm out to stop it slight grazing his arm… With this he sped to the police station. What a dick.

As we pulled in the driver told the police I had ‘abused’ him now I don’t know whether this was sexually or just plain gbh. The police man got me out and looked me up and down. I was wearing a flared skirt, flowery top, a full face of make up and eyelashes I really didn’t look like the thug type. He took me inside as realised I was freezing so he took off his hoody off underneath his uniform and gave me it. Now I don’t know about you but surely that means I wasn’t in any trouble. He took me into a cell and I just stood there refusing to touch anything. Germ freak and it also had an overpowering smell of piss. So I made the police man air freshen the cell and put me down a blanket. I think I fell asleep as it was half past 7. I actually thought I was arrested so I rang my mum in panic. And then started shouting hellloooo helloooo. Charlie and the unicorn style. The police man returned and explained I’d done nothing wrong but the Asian taxi driver tried to claim compensation over me. Why pick a young girl I don’t know. With this he drove me home and even let me keep his jacket. Another steal.

Funnily enough Im wearing it right now. I don’t know why these thing happen to me I swear I’m Cursed!










Hangover: the worse one yet

June 30th, 2013

So I have just started a new job in a call centre so if you get any cold calls from me I do apologise but £7 an hour will do me just fine for people putting the phone down all day.

My parents went away and me and my brother decided to go out. He got his friends round who we went to Thailand with and when I got in from work they were already on it and not having time for tea they handed me glass after glass of wine (I never drink wine…). To catch up I was given stupid amounts of shots at the bar. It was a pretty normal night in the club. Bit of dancing, chatting to randomers, flirting.. the standard night. I even stroked the bouncers head. The whole night is a bit of a blur thinking back but at the time I didn’t think I was that fucked. Then I got told I picked a midget up and tried to dance, stole the bouncers sunglasses, bit my brothers arm, tried to get with his friends and finally had my head out of the taxi window like a dog.

Safe to say I wasn’t as sober as I thought. After getting home passing out on the¬†sofa then vommed all over myself and my handbag. I’ve only¬†been sick three times due to alcohol and dans friends have been there for two of those. Bad influence. Its all the shots they buy me I swear.

I woke up still in last nights clothes, a¬† peplum top and my disco pants, with a pair of police sunglasses attached to my hair. I think I am actually a kleptomaniac, I haven’t gone out and returned empty handed. the best was forcing a poor boy out of his tshirt and vest. It took 10 minutes to comb the sunglasses out of my hair. What was I doing rolling it in my fringe?!!!!

I stupidly left my phone in a taxi so I’m currently back in 1994. I actually feel Amish. Where’s my bonnet? With that I didn’t have an alarm so my wake up call was my granddad barging in after driving to my house grabbing my legs pulling me out of my mums bed. I bet he just thought state, I did have an empty¬†bottle of beer next to me. I crawled out of bed and just thought shoot me in the face.

I was already an hour late for work so I called a cab. 10 minutes into a 15 minute journey and had to make him slow down as I was sick out the window. I thought it would be better if I got out for fear of covering the driver in carrots and last nights alcohol. I stopped at the side of the road and had to lay down. Tramp.

It was too far to walk so I had to get on the bus. I sat on the bus and felt full on like death. then all of a sudden I was just projectiling across the buses floor. The bus driver slammed on and evacuated the bus. ‘EVERYONE OFF’ After walking off in shame, I had women rush at me with baby wipes. I had one wiping my face, one at my leggings and the other knelt down at the shoes. Who am I? The queen? I had tissues thrown at me. I was too ill to realise how weird that was. Only in Hull.

I thought it was better to walk off. After two sick pitstops I managed to get to work 2 hours late, covered in sick and smelling of the anti-bacterial I bought I sprayed like perfume. eu du parfume de antibac.

I got to the desk to sign in and got accused of being on drugs or drinking in the morning. I know I drink a lit but I don’t need alcoholics anonymous just yet.


Safe to say I’ve been given a weeks suspension and a possible firing. Ooops.


My ‘quiet’ night in

June 5th, 2013

So last few weeks I’ve had exams and busy packing up to go back home for the summer so I’ve been neglecting writing on here.

The weekend I got back from uni was messy. I went out with my friend Danielle to welly. The vodka there is lethal. It’s actually 3% of being illegal it’s not even allowed to be called vodka its now known as wodka. After pre drinking a bottle of amaretto we were fucked. Getting there we sobered a little and wanted more having little money we saw a drugged out state swaying in the corner so we thought we’d frisk him see what he had. Turns out nothing, the strip search was out the question. Looks like I’d have I find drinks elsewhere. Poor student problems.

After having a dance and a general run around we ventures upstairs into the indie room but Danielle slid down the stairs her legs twisting under her face planting. Funniest thing I’ve seen. People ran to help her I couldn’t move I was laughing that much! Next thing I know me and Danielle are in the toilets when her drink falls drowning her.

The night progressed and I was stupidly drunk. All I remember after that is slapping a bouncers head like a drum. Stealing a black mans corn row protecter. (That like mesh hat) and wearing it and having a whole drink down me.

I started dancing and ended up pulling this guy. Well I know my blog shows me with quite a few guys well this is over the year. I ended up kissing him practically soft porn on the dance floor and we head out baring in mind I pointed at him took a video and stated who’s this and ate his face. I am so embarrassing. Don’t add me on snapchat or you will receive that.

My grandad has just been appointed mayor of my town well it’s an honour but no special privileges. I refused to pay my taxi dropping the mayor bomb and trying to open the door and roll out this wasn’t working so he had to drive to the cash point. Who says guys pay the fare home.

We got to mine and ended up getting a little rude. Now I woke up with him next to me naked so I presumed something happened but I really don’t remember. First time ever. I have some flash backs of being bent over with my hands against my wall. Lets hope I didn’t make too much noise as my mum was next door.
I woke up deeply embarrassed at the thought of bring some guy back home. I refused to let him leave and made him stay in silence. Hilarious. He actually thought I was Josef Fritzl until sneaked him out. Turned out to be a boy I knows cousin. Seen as though he didn’t have any cash to get home he had to go to his cousins which actually reunited them after 6 years. Il personally class that as a good deed.

Feeling like death the next day all I wanted to do was crawl into my pit and die but no I had a 21st birthday to go too. It was my cousins who is practically a sister so was only fair. And after a night family night I was forced to do a 60%proof shot of rum. Vile vile vile. Not as bad as the taste of the cheap tequila in propaganda where I was sick straight back into the glass it came into.

We headed out my cousin fucked off her face , her boyfriend (who I met falling down welly stairs spilling two drinks down my self ending up in a heap at his feet) and her friends. Then my brother and auntie. We got to mission and after 8 more shots I was starting to feel in the mood. I got to the club and thought it would be funny to become hitler. So all night I had an eyeliner hitler tash and was nazi signing to the whole place. I took the role too far when i put my jacket in the cloak room under the name of Adolf.

After losing my brother and stealing the t shirt of a Swedish mans back and wearing it. It turned out to be a good night. After spending the night being told I was offending people especially the Jews I thought it was time to head home. I went to get my jacket and saw the staff in a circle reading. I jumped the half door and joined in. Turned out I crashed a book club and was told to leave….

I woke up in the morning far down on the settee wearing my leather jacket.





Why are you putting your head through a fence

April 24th, 2013

Why are you putting your head through a fence.

So the end of the night left me naked from the waist down crawling down the corridor with the night wardens talking to my flatmates about my wellbeing…

Well being a Monday it clearly was a mustard Monday. To people who don’t live near me it’s a club (practically a bar). It just gets ridiculously messy. I think they have illegal vodka. I’m almost sure. Started getting ready all cramped in mels room again. 5 girls trying to dress, tan, get showered, do hair and make up in one room. We’re like sardines. It’s a good job we’re comfortable with each other the amount of times I’ve seen them naked is far too high. I think that’s the only recurring thing that happens on a night out.

So we start drinking, obviously out of my massive glass. I like my things big. ūüėČ
Started off with just a woo woo (vodka and peach schnapps) so wasn’t really feeling anything for a while. Then we got out the drinking games and you basically know shit will go down. A litre bottle of vodka and a bottle of peach schnapps we were wasted. Wanting to play ring of fire but having no playing cards I went on a mission and found some in upstairs’ flat laid out of the table ready for them. Quickly taking them and running. I have never spoken to them in my life. Sorry if your reading this.

Around 11 it was time to go out and after bribing the taxi to give us it half price just for the entertainment and singing, we arrived. I needed some cash
Out and when I got to the door I saw becky being escorted out by the bouncers as she was kicking and screaming telling them they are wankers. Then Mia arguing with them about them touching her bum and Stacey crying because they wouldn’t let Becky back in. Why are h nights always full of drama. Having some talent in life with talking my way out of situations I attempted talking to the bouncers. He started complaining about his tooth and for some unknown reason I pretended I was a dentist and from somewhere in my brain spouted a load of crap about which molar it was and how it had cracked to do a shift in his filling. They calmed down and eventually let them in but as I was sorting his tooth out he let me in for free. Bonus. I was also called Jessica which is my vaginas name. Good job I don’t get id’d.

I went to the bar and ordered a quadruple ameretto shot. He just looked at me like a freak. I looked over and saw Mel and Sophie dancing to the video recorder full on Beyoncé.

After that the rest of the night is a blur and from what I remember it disturbs me. I remember seeing the boy I had sex with the week before and harassing him trying to make him come to mine. I think he was just embarrassed at the whole thing. Awkward.

I remember going to toilet with Sophie and he being that drunk she couldn’t put her tampon in. Me nearly gagging had to put it in for her. I know we have a close friendship but not that close.

When I returned to the bar this 50 year old sweaty fat man tried to talk to me literally gurning over his glasses. I was quite scared I grabbed Mel and he ordered 6 sambucca shots. Probably spiked excuse for the night. I thought he was buying more so ordered 5 vodka cranberries he walked away. Most expensive bar order I’ve had at mustard.
He had gone back to join his wife I think. They looked like they had got lost on the way to the library.

Everything else is a blur it ended up being the end of the night how I don’t know and I was chilling with a 70 year old as he tried to lick my face. I like older men but that’s a little too far. Ended up losing all my friends and staggering out to find good old bitchy Mitchy waiting for me as per. He dropped me off and I heard a tap on ye window from two security looking people. I was kissing all over his face and my leggings had come down a bit. It did look like dogging.

The made me get out as I realised they were the Christian night wardens. I stole the women’s corduroy hat and tried to run but I couldn’t walk too well so I stopped and laid down. They had to help me up and assist me home at this time I was putting my head though the fences shouting ‘helloooo helloo’ they wasn’t amused. They were convinced I had taken something and sat me down like a child asking me. I was like ‘runnnnnn’. They grabbed me and the man fireman lifted me into my flat. This was when I took my knickers off and ran around dragging myself along the carpet. I think I need sectioning.

I had to have a meeting with the health and wellbeing team the next day. I made it on the uni’s concern list. I also got a call from my manager that I sent him a picture of my one boob. Nipple and everything.

I need help.
Roll on tonight. I also found a doorknob in my bag #unsure






One night in Bangkok

March 24th, 2013

One night in Bangkok… and it makes you crazzzzy.

So my brother Dan who’s been living all over the world announced that he’s getting married in Thailand. With this being a family holiday I thought it would just be a relaxing trip. Oh was I wrong…

Due to work holidays and flights we where all going at different times. For the cheapness we decided on Air India. From the train journey to Heathrow with my brothers friends and step dad and younger brother I realised it would never be a quiet trip.

With the island of koh Tao being only accessible by ferry we had a night stop over in a ‘resort’ near the ferry pier. This was where it all went wrong. I use the word resort loosely as it can only be described as a shed on legs. It looked like a child’s Wendy house. The scenery was amazing but the inside well I think a prison has better amenities. It was a wooden box with a hard practically concrete mattress in the corner. We had met up with Chris’s 55 year old mum and 23 year old sister and we had decided alcohol was the only option.

We had got down to the shack they called a restaurant and had a bite to eat and discovered it closed at 8pm. What sort of a bar closed that early?! We bought 30 beers and had them store it in a cooler for the night as they locked up the kitchen and fridges. We thought this would be enough but oh we were wrong.

After finishing those I found some bottles cocktails that tasted like piss and continued to drink those. We then raided the mini bars and slowly got more and more drunk. Realising this wasn’t enough I though I’d try and open the fridge. It was only a padlock and picking a lock isn’t difficult so taking out my hair grip I got the lock off and more beers were on the cards. More was consumed and it started getting rowdy as the karaoke sesh began. The place was surrounded by ferrule dogs which took a shine to jimmy and followed him around. Clearly thought he was one of them. We looked down and saw one of the dogs eating money. Thinking it was a one off and must of been an odd note from the beach we didn’t think anything of it until we saw him again with even more. We then discovered it was blowing from andys pocket. What a spaz. He’d spent like 1000 bhat (¬£20) on feeding a dog.

As the alcohol was stolen I thought it would be a genius idea too try and hide the bottles in a nearby cave. I made the
Lads help me carry the extra bottles down. This got abandoned as we thought we would go skinny dipping. Chris’s mum announced that she’d never done it and proceeded taking all of her clothes off. So I went drunken skinny dipping with 2 of my brothers friends, a step dad, grandparent and auntie. That was not what I had ever thought I’d do in life. Or what is ever like to think back on.

After attempting to dry off as the sun was starting to come up. The ‘responsible’ adults took the child to bed. We all had another few drinks as we had ran out me and Andy decided to go back to the shed. I tried to get in number 2 convinced it was mine discovering it was locked. This confused me so I went to the lads shed for some more drink. As all the beer had been drunk we cracked open a bottle of red at 7 am. This was not a good idea. The bathroom was about a 3 foot drop with no handle to help you down and with fear of being trapped down this hole I thought going in a near by cauldron would be better. Why they were rubber cauldrons there I’d never know. This resulted in me trying sitting inside it but falling. Andy looked over and saw only my head and legs dangling from the pot unable to move. He came over and instead of helping he put the lid on and left me. I rolled myself out and joined him back in the shed as we continued to empty the fridge. It wasn’t even normal mini bar items we finished off seaweed crisps, weird Thai wine, tins of tuna and lychees.

After needing a wee still I wondered outside and went. Like a man. (Probably should of been born with a penis) I wish I was a ‘classy bird’. I then saw a hammock and wanting a go. Andy (brothers friend) came to see where if gone and saw me attempt to jump onto the hammock but failing and seeing me flip into the air and land on the floor on my face. He hit the floor laughing. He helped me onto it as in my state they was no chance I would of done it alone. He then started spinning me. This didn’t go well. The rope snapped leaving me spinning but flying off landed sprawled out on the floor dress over my head and he can’t breath laughing and the grounds keeper ‘Dave’ pointing from a distance. Running back in realising we not only robbed the bar we had practically destroyed the resort. I got into bed.

Check out was In about 3 hours and we got awoken by Chris telling us the police had been called. One night in Thailand and an arrest was about to happen.

We got up and learned that Kate had been carried off the beach which she was face down on and moved to the side of the decking. Jimmy had been asleep curled up by the kayaks surrounded by the pack of dogs. The owners had awoken seeing this and then realising we had emptied a full fridge of beer and only left 100 bhat (about ¬£2.50) looking back probably wouldn’t of covered the bill.

Luckily Andrea thought quickly and cried blaming the ‘young ones’ and begging her to cancel the police as she paid our debt. She was just as much to blame.

I know understand the song ‘one night in Bangkok’ …



The Forrest adventure.

February 23rd, 2013

So Mondays always ends up a messy one if you’ve read the previous blogs. I swear they put something in the vodka. Convinced even as every time I go to this bar I end up on the floor or burning my nipple off.

This tale starts with Mia’s cousin Evie coming up to view our uni to see of she wants to apply. She’s 17 so she hasn’t been out too much so we all agreed to not get too drunk and look after her. This didn’t go down too well.

We began getting ready in Mels room like usual I mean I’ve practically got all my stuff in her room I might aswell move in. There’s nothing better than 4 girls in a box room all trying to fake tan, get dressed and do our hair and make-up. (Joke. You cannot move and everything gets thrown everywhere so you end up going out like the joker from the amount of times you get knocked putting on your lipstick) this resulted in me having a nightmare with my hair also adding to the joker look which made me refuse to leave the room until Sophie took over. That’s what friends are for.

We then moved to the kitchen to start drinking. I drink out of my massive glass which was a bad idea as to fill it to a normal capacity where you can use a straw it took the whole bottle of Asti (cheap champagne!) we aren’t made of money. Everyone else had pretty much the same quantities of alcohol as looking at the table they were an empty litre vodka bottle, champagne bottle, lambrini (tastes like Asians) and a empty bottle of shots. At this point it was 10pm. Far to early. I was feeling a little drunk but no where near the state the others where in. Mia was rolling on the floor. We managed to get her up and start feeding her French fries. She wouldn’t chew or open her mouth. You will see the photo. Then proceeded to vom. No way was I cleaning this up so I hid in my food cupboard. I thought maybe this would protect me from having to look after her. Mel and Sophie started throwing the cups and cutlery we used earlier in the day out the window to save the washing up. Student life. That’s what plastic forks are for. Unfortunately these were my metal ikea ones. I then joined in throwing one end of a ball of string which resulted in a tug of war when the downstairs flat caught the other end. I literally nearly got dragged out the window I looked like spider man.

I started to feel sorry for Evie as she hasn’t drank much and was just stared at us in sheer displease and probably thinking we should be sectioned.

I then glanced at my phone and realised the taxi had been outside waiting for 5 minutes. I told everyone to hurry as me and Mel ran for the taxi. I was wearing a short skirt and a flowery crop top this was not ideal to run in especially as the underwear wasn’t really the biggest. Pink pulling pants to everyone who’s seen them. We literally Usain Bolted all the way to the car park of the campus. Literally put me in for the 800 metres. I couldn’t go on any further and sunk to my knees shouting go on with without me like a wounded solider.

As we staggered into the taxi everyone had caught up. As we panted out of breath as Stacey shouted she needs an ambulance. She should be fit her course is dance. We pulled up to mustard (the club) and jumped out. We saw an ambulance which made me worry that Stacey actually rang one. Mel then ran up to it and tapped on the window like a taxi asking ‘is this for Stacey?!’ I had to drag her away.
When we arrived it was still before 11pm so the place was quite empty and as I had my trusty birthday badge on again I got free entry. Always works. I ordered se drinks for me. Literally 4 drinks and began downing them and turned behind me and saw Mel and Stacey strutting up and down the club with one hand out swapping places. I knew at this point there was no going back.

After my 4 drinks I was feeling quite drunk and began running round and chatting to randoms. As I’m going away soon I was just pointing at clothing and going I want this for my holiday practically taking their tops off. Basically I went shopping. I then went to find my friends and saw her in the corner talking to a boy she brought back a few months ago. He was sat down in an armchair while me and her slut dropped around him. That swig Bari.
She then tripped and spilt her drink all over his crotch and began licking it off. This looked dodgy and the bouncer came over and went to me. ‘Is she giving him a blow job’. I explained by covering his crotch with my hands. We Have game where we have to have a photo with someone funny each time we go out. So I brought over this long haired skinny boy and made him get a photo with me and Mel and then I stole his glasses and had him chasing me around the club. This isn’t the first time! He then leaned down to kiss Mel her reaction was to throw herself down onto the floor. I then got dragged away by Evie as she was grinding on the bar man who I had also pulled the week before and Mel had. I warned her but no she carried on and pulled him. I wondered off probably to get another drink and came back and saw the Barman with another one of my friends and her cousin Mia. This was becoming ridiculous so just for the last time I pulled him again.

I received a text from Mel saying she had gone home. Me presuming she’d gone with the lap dance boy from earlier and didn’t think anything of it.

I was on the dance floor with the rest of the girls when Stacey decided she needed a wee. I was like ooh go I the toilet. No she just moved across her knickers and wee’d on the crowed dance floor. She had issues! So moving away from the expanding puddle I bumped into the boy I thought had one home with Mel. Turns out it wasn’t him. She moves fast.

The rest of the night in mustard is a bi of a blur. I remember pulling a boy I always kiss literally every week and that’s about it. The only evidence I have is a picture of me and a fat boy I think I just demanded we get a photo.

The next thing I remember is leaving and everyone gathers outside. Sophie was chatting to a group of boys as I waltzed up and stole a French boys shirt. Well this is where this confession gets funny.

He starts asking for it back which as it was about -1 this was not going to happen. I grab Evie and run into the nearest taxi rank. He follows and tries to grab me so I run through the office and hide. The office staff just look at me in disgust so I tell them he was trying to rape me so he lets me stay. I try and signal Evie to come in but the French man sees me so she grabs me and we carry on running. Literally never ran so fast. I must of burnt about 10 thousand calories off this night. We look behind us and he’s following so we see and gate of an old people’s home and run through. We’re squatting behind a tree and think he’s left but we see him in the distance and then an old women knocks on her window. Why is she up at 3?! Why do old people never sleep.

We run backwards into the garden which is an actual Forrest. I felt like Robin Hood as we were having to climb through the scrubbery. Why we thought this shirt jacket was worth it i don’t know. It was from primark for fuck sake!! We reached the end and realise there’s no way out and Evie begins I climb the fence she managed to get over it and as I step on it I fall into the bushes. I was trapped and felt cuts all over my body but still found this hilarious. 30 minutes later I managed to get out and find Evie again and began to run. He was still waiting so we had to bolt it yet again. This time hurdling a fence but on the final leap the garden gate broke. No wonder the towns residents hates students. We carry on and Evie can’t run anymore and luckily we see a trolley I put he in and run with it jumping up as we were rolling down the hill. At this point a car approached up. Getting a little scared I go faster but the car follows and opens the window shouting. ‘Get in’ I realise its my taxi boyfriend. (An old friendly man, bitchy Mitchy for the people who have read my previous blog)
After a free lift home we discovered that Mel had in fact gone home with another boy and stole a Cheryl Cole jacket. The whole military red buttoned look. I began a conversation with this boy about the Mohawk (other blog entry) and looked across the room and saw Mel doing the whole Cheryl, fight for this love dance routine in the mirror. One of the funniest moments of my life. I then tucked them in and kissed the
Boys forehead and told him he’s my best friend (I’ve seen him twice in my life)

I don’t remember what happened next but according to her this is what happened next.
We went into the kitchen wrapped in a duvet. You had me against the food cupboards and said ‘I kissed that boy you were going to bring home but it’s ok you have tavern (the boy) instead’ then kissed me. Lesbian drunkness.










Hopefully making another entry tonight

January 28th, 2013


Drinking revision games

January 28th, 2013

So not blogged for a while but I think last Monday is definitely worthy of an entry. I had decided to stay in due to having a 50% module exam at 9 the next day And having done little revision…

It got to 8’oclock and my whole building was getting ready to go out arranging a pre drinking party. Not wanting to miss out I thought one drink wouldn’t hurt so not wanting to look out of place I got ready wearing my usual disco pants. Standard outfit. As I went downstairs I had a drink and then another and before I knew it I was on to my third and thought I have to go out. So I returned back upstairs grabbed my heels and red lipstick. On the way out to return to the party I saw my revision book so being a good student I thought I’d take it out with me. Nothing like extra prepping.

When I got back to the party for each shot I did I had to answer a marketing question. Drinking game revision is the way forward. With 22 slides to memorise it was safe to say I was wasted. I was walking past the corridor when I heard banging so I went to investigate and found Mel and Sophie trapped in the toilet. This was hilarious as Mel was trying to get air through a small vent and Sophie pressed against the wall having a panic attack crying about it being her biggest fear. Its really not. She then grabbed a plastic bag and tried to breath into it this was an asda carrier… Funny thing is the door wasn’t even locked… States.

By this point my mental capacity was under at least 60% so my revision took a back seat and carried on with the crowd to the awaiting taxis. I jumped in the first one and realised it was my favourite driver. This actually got us all excited. He’s about 45-50 not attractive but the kindest man you will ever meet. We call him Bitchy Mitchy, after hugging and kissing his face he began to drive only to have Sophie grab him and stick her tongue down his throat. He was surprised and Looked like he was drowning. I don’t think he was too impressed. His wife wouldn’t of been either. But I made him promise to pick me up and be my taxi boyfriend.
‘Bitchy Mitchy bitchy Mitchy riding on a slut bitchy Mitchy’

When we reached the club I realised I had left my bank card. Nightmare but this wasnt going to ruin my night. I looked for the closest person I know. This happened to be a friendly black boy who lives downstairs. I ran up to him pretending to be upset telling him I’ve lost my money. Hoping he would at least pay my entrance fee as my friends had already gone inside. Result he gave me ¬£5 in return for a hug. Who said hugs where free! Lesson number 4: if you have ran out of money pleeed your case to someone and pretend to be upset. Guys hate when a girl cries. You’re likely to get a free drink or even better a note.
I thanked him and skipped off ad bumped into One of my friends. Crying sat on the kerb. I picked her up to discover she had forgotten her id. Lesson number 5: Always get your bag ready before you start drinking. Being too overconfident and thinking I know all bouncers I just held her hand and walked straight in which usually works. She thanked me by grabbing me and kissing me on the middle of the stairs which to the lads behind looked like we’d been there a while full on snogging. She didn’t stop there either all the photos from that night she is kissing various girls and she claims she’s not a lesbian.

Everytime in this club I always end up on my own. I got to the bar and decided to order 6 drinks For myself. Why I thought that was a good idea Il never know.

Running around the club minesweeping drinks this is probably why I’ve been spiked a number of times. I grabbed one but looked a little dodgy some floaters or something. That was not being consumed so I took it back to the bar and claimed it wasn’t the drink I asked for. Free drink. The next thing I knew I was dancing with the Barman which ended up with me kissing him. That’s two of the Barman I have pulled. There’s only 4… 50%. Oh dear.
On the bar I’m known for the amount of straws I have. I have now been banned from having any as I fill my cup and bag usually just so I can throw them at people.

After borrowing money from the black man he kept coming up to me and touching my bum and trying to kiss my neck. This called for a quick exit. Just because he did a nice thing doesn’t mean I want his baby’s arm up my Jessica.

For the next part in the story I’d have to tell you a previous experience. During Freshers week Mel had taken home
A boy and couldn’t remember his name. We call him unknown and now have a bet about who can get with him again first. I bumped into him who is the other half of the bar man duo and laughed in his face singing ‘I put my faith in something unknown.’ I then proceeded to tell him about our bet and told him they’re potentially 6 people trying to have sex with him. He was sober glass collecting. He will remember. I have to put my head down each time I walk past him.
After this I bumped into a girl from my course after a joint shot I then asked her how much she had revised. She just looked at me blankly. Turned out that was the first she’d heard. Ooops.

Still being lost I ended up in a circle of black men trying to get involved in their dougying. Baring in mine I cannot dance to save my life. I have the bum for it though. I was probably just booty shaking. I actually have a vague memory of being in the middle of a group of black men and then shimmying a necklace from one of their necks. I then went to the toilet and gave it to a girl on my course I then walked out to the mafia stood demanding his necklace. I pretending I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. Three more scary looking guys came and shouted shouting abuse. I was actually scarier but they had backed me into a corner and started fully getting in my face. I saw a bouncer and called him over and looked innocent doing the whole puss in boots eyes. Forcing a few tears I explained that I had no idea what they were saying and was scared. At this point the black man swung for me but the bouncer intercepted and dragged them all out. That was the closest I’d been to getting killed.

I realised that I probably needed to leave. I walked past a boy that I’d met at the party earlier and got talking. He asked me to go outside with him ‘for a chat’ yeah whatever. As I suspected he leaned in to kiss me after a few minutes of this and light groping I though fuck it and went back in to tell me friends I was going. As I was leaving I saw a jacket in the corner of the room realising I’d probably be walking home I grabbed it quickly and met back up with ‘boy’. I put on the jacket and began to walk. A car started to slow down by the side of the road. I got a little scared and prepared for a kidnap but realised it was bitchy offering us a lift. That’s what you get or befriending taxi drivers and probably the kiss, free rides.

So me and the boy get back to mine and I’m adamant on making food and at this point i didn’t know if he was actually interested or just wanting a bed to sleep in. But I started on the chicken nuggets, perfect drunk food! He then lifted me onto the work top and started kissing me, down my neck until he slid his down down my top pulling my boobs out he started playing with them and clearly enjoying ourselves the wait for the food went by fast. So I leapt up with my nipples still out and got the tray out the over and being in a drunken, sexually delirious state I hit the hot tray right on my nipple. Now I don’t mind pain but 200 degrees straight on a sensitive nipple is serious pain. I actually think I gave my self a third degree burn. Boobs were clearly out of the picture after that. I just wanted to run away and cry holding my nipple to sleep.

But I wasn’t going to miss an opportunity. I was practically a virgin again. I looked at my phone about an hour later and discovered everyone who went out didn’t return alone. Was everyone rohypnoled? After a good night he even set his alarm for 7 so we could have morning sex before my exam. Definitely helped walking me up but walking in and sitting down with one hand cupping my boob and last night clothes and make up still on probably tripping over the entrance as I was still drunk would of almost certainly resulted in a fail.




Going to carrrrrnage!!

January 19th, 2013

The night ended with a random boy nicknamed Ryan Gosling (not that he looked anything like that beautiful man) sleeping on my floor hugging my knickers. Why I don’t know. Pervert.

With us planning to get the train into liverpool at half 8 we started on the litre bottle of vodka at 6. We had also every pot and pan in the house including 3 yorkshire pudding tins filled with alcohol jelly which contained every beverage we could possibly find. Well its called carnage isn’t it?

After downing a shit mix from a pan and making our train drinks we were ready to go. Matching tshirts galore. While sitting on the train waiting for it to depart my uniform fetish came out which resulted in me running off and groping two policemen and demanding a picture with the two of them. I practically nearly missed the train as i jumped back on with seconds to spare. With us all downing more drinks the sight was hilarious. This was mel crouching down trying to wee in Mias clutch, me planking in the middle of the aisle, Mia falling off the seat, Stacey sat next to some old man and sophie and Katie drinking vinegar wine holding their nose. No wonder we attracted the attention of the Bi law police.

When they approached us we immediately stroked their heads and named them both Mowgli. One was rather tanned which could be deemed racist. Hate Crime. We then stripped him of his gloves and wore them doing a Michael Jackson impression. A photo will be provided. After a in-depth chat with them both and taking about 100 photos in various positions we let them go off on their travels with me shouting them useful advice ‘Don’t be silly, wrap your willy’.

We arrived in Liverpool a little worse for wear. Someone obviously took pity on me and gave me a glass of wine. How sophisticated. We arrived at the student halls which we were pre drinking at. We had never met this group of girls as it was our flatmates home friend. We ran into the halls and interrupted a game of pool and potted all the balls. Pro. You could tell from the moment we entered that we wasn’t welcome as they were all sober. We ran in pushed our way through to the toilet were Mia threw up in the sink, Mel went to the toilet and Stacey joined in and wee’d in the shower. We carried on drinking (Big Mistake) with Mel singing Abort my baby as she was convinced she was pregnant. Having her first cigarette to try and kill it. She wasn’t. We then returned to the toilet and thought it would be funny to also wee in the shower again as Mel stripped showing me the whole downstairs area telling me to touch it. She turns lesbanian when drunk. I have seen her Vagina more times than my own. We realised all the toilet paper had gone to we started wiping on the bath mat. Piss stained. Then just to add to it we wee’d all over the toothbrushes and threw the soap down the toilet. Apologise. Don’t let us back.

After this the made us leave after Mel and Stacey had a lesbian affair and Katie told them she was bored. Lovely people. We ran out the Halls and stumbled across a giant yellow dog trying to climb it. It was impossible until Mel was sick down my arm. Just baby sick and Stacey was laid across a bollard. We should of gone home. All of that before 10.

Walking through concert square i acquired about 50 pimp hats. As the theme was pimps and hoes. We went into a club were i thought it would be a good idea to pull a boy who actually looked 12. Lord help me. Shit the fucking majestic bed. This was to distract him from the four jagers he just bought which stacey ran off with to be drank later. Prostitution.

After somehow being reunited finally with the others we all went to Reflex. An 80’s and 90’s club. We began pulling out all the shapes to the classics. I.e S Club 7 and Peter Andre. What more can you ask for. More drinks were consumed by various gullible men. Lesson number 4: exploit drunk people you are always guaranteed a drink as they don’t remember the next day.

We gathered on the stairwell where an actual Brothel took place. Sophie began pimping us all out directing men to each of us. I had the job of pulling whoever walked up the stairs… I don’t remember this. Stacey was in the corner with a naked boy actually being raped. She reckon she was just drawing on his face… Yeah Right.

Mel was in the other corner with a Joey Essex lookalike on the floor with her bagina out yet again. Calm Down Slut. I think Sophie was actually sick in her mouth a little watching. My friend saw all this being disgusted and ran out. I followed him which ended up with me running around the whole square after a 6 foot 2 man it was obvious i wasn’t going to catch up. This was while wearing a pimp hat and bunny ears. Normal.

I tried to meet up with a previous conquest and after many rejections I decided to go home. We wanted a McDonalds for the taxi ride and sat down on the pavement afterwards waiting and began a sing song where passers by actually thought we were homeless and threw 20ps in our direction. Money Making schemes well if you want 42 pence. Lesson Number Five: For extra food money act Homeless, singing is advised. On the journey home Mel Jumped out actually rolling down the pavement to meet the father of her imaginary baby.

Not taking the rejection well i got in and cried laying on the corridor when Mel returned shouting ‘i have a boy for youuuuu’ Sharing is caring. But with me being drunkenly heartbroken i just threw him a blanket and ignored him. The next day was when i found out he slept with my pants probably smelling them. Standard Night.