So Mondays always ends up a messy one if you’ve read the previous blogs. I swear they put something in the vodka. Convinced even as every time I go to this bar I end up on the floor or burning my nipple off.
This tale starts with Mia’s cousin Evie coming up to view our uni to see of she wants to apply. She’s 17 so she hasn’t been out too much so we all agreed to not get too drunk and look after her. This didn’t go down too well.
We began getting ready in Mels room like usual I mean I’ve practically got all my stuff in her room I might aswell move in. There’s nothing better than 4 girls in a box room all trying to fake tan, get dressed and do our hair and make-up. (Joke. You cannot move and everything gets thrown everywhere so you end up going out like the joker from the amount of times you get knocked putting on your lipstick) this resulted in me having a nightmare with my hair also adding to the joker look which made me refuse to leave the room until Sophie took over. That’s what friends are for.
We then moved to the kitchen to start drinking. I drink out of my massive glass which was a bad idea as to fill it to a normal capacity where you can use a straw it took the whole bottle of Asti (cheap champagne!) we aren’t made of money. Everyone else had pretty much the same quantities of alcohol as looking at the table they were an empty litre vodka bottle, champagne bottle, lambrini (tastes like Asians) and a empty bottle of shots. At this point it was 10pm. Far to early. I was feeling a little drunk but no where near the state the others where in. Mia was rolling on the floor. We managed to get her up and start feeding her French fries. She wouldn’t chew or open her mouth. You will see the photo. Then proceeded to vom. No way was I cleaning this up so I hid in my food cupboard. I thought maybe this would protect me from having to look after her. Mel and Sophie started throwing the cups and cutlery we used earlier in the day out the window to save the washing up. Student life. That’s what plastic forks are for. Unfortunately these were my metal ikea ones. I then joined in throwing one end of a ball of string which resulted in a tug of war when the downstairs flat caught the other end. I literally nearly got dragged out the window I looked like spider man.
I started to feel sorry for Evie as she hasn’t drank much and was just stared at us in sheer displease and probably thinking we should be sectioned.
I then glanced at my phone and realised the taxi had been outside waiting for 5 minutes. I told everyone to hurry as me and Mel ran for the taxi. I was wearing a short skirt and a flowery crop top this was not ideal to run in especially as the underwear wasn’t really the biggest. Pink pulling pants to everyone who’s seen them. We literally Usain Bolted all the way to the car park of the campus. Literally put me in for the 800 metres. I couldn’t go on any further and sunk to my knees shouting go on with without me like a wounded solider.
As we staggered into the taxi everyone had caught up. As we panted out of breath as Stacey shouted she needs an ambulance. She should be fit her course is dance. We pulled up to mustard (the club) and jumped out. We saw an ambulance which made me worry that Stacey actually rang one. Mel then ran up to it and tapped on the window like a taxi asking ‘is this for Stacey?!’ I had to drag her away.
When we arrived it was still before 11pm so the place was quite empty and as I had my trusty birthday badge on again I got free entry. Always works. I ordered se drinks for me. Literally 4 drinks and began downing them and turned behind me and saw Mel and Stacey strutting up and down the club with one hand out swapping places. I knew at this point there was no going back.
After my 4 drinks I was feeling quite drunk and began running round and chatting to randoms. As I’m going away soon I was just pointing at clothing and going I want this for my holiday practically taking their tops off. Basically I went shopping. I then went to find my friends and saw her in the corner talking to a boy she brought back a few months ago. He was sat down in an armchair while me and her slut dropped around him. That swig Bari.
She then tripped and spilt her drink all over his crotch and began licking it off. This looked dodgy and the bouncer came over and went to me. ‘Is she giving him a blow job’. I explained by covering his crotch with my hands. We Have game where we have to have a photo with someone funny each time we go out. So I brought over this long haired skinny boy and made him get a photo with me and Mel and then I stole his glasses and had him chasing me around the club. This isn’t the first time! He then leaned down to kiss Mel her reaction was to throw herself down onto the floor. I then got dragged away by Evie as she was grinding on the bar man who I had also pulled the week before and Mel had. I warned her but no she carried on and pulled him. I wondered off probably to get another drink and came back and saw the Barman with another one of my friends and her cousin Mia. This was becoming ridiculous so just for the last time I pulled him again.
I received a text from Mel saying she had gone home. Me presuming she’d gone with the lap dance boy from earlier and didn’t think anything of it.
I was on the dance floor with the rest of the girls when Stacey decided she needed a wee. I was like ooh go I the toilet. No she just moved across her knickers and wee’d on the crowed dance floor. She had issues! So moving away from the expanding puddle I bumped into the boy I thought had one home with Mel. Turns out it wasn’t him. She moves fast.
The rest of the night in mustard is a bi of a blur. I remember pulling a boy I always kiss literally every week and that’s about it. The only evidence I have is a picture of me and a fat boy I think I just demanded we get a photo.
The next thing I remember is leaving and everyone gathers outside. Sophie was chatting to a group of boys as I waltzed up and stole a French boys shirt. Well this is where this confession gets funny.
He starts asking for it back which as it was about -1 this was not going to happen. I grab Evie and run into the nearest taxi rank. He follows and tries to grab me so I run through the office and hide. The office staff just look at me in disgust so I tell them he was trying to rape me so he lets me stay. I try and signal Evie to come in but the French man sees me so she grabs me and we carry on running. Literally never ran so fast. I must of burnt about 10 thousand calories off this night. We look behind us and he’s following so we see and gate of an old people’s home and run through. We’re squatting behind a tree and think he’s left but we see him in the distance and then an old women knocks on her window. Why is she up at 3?! Why do old people never sleep.
We run backwards into the garden which is an actual Forrest. I felt like Robin Hood as we were having to climb through the scrubbery. Why we thought this shirt jacket was worth it i don’t know. It was from primark for fuck sake!! We reached the end and realise there’s no way out and Evie begins I climb the fence she managed to get over it and as I step on it I fall into the bushes. I was trapped and felt cuts all over my body but still found this hilarious. 30 minutes later I managed to get out and find Evie again and began to run. He was still waiting so we had to bolt it yet again. This time hurdling a fence but on the final leap the garden gate broke. No wonder the towns residents hates students. We carry on and Evie can’t run anymore and luckily we see a trolley I put he in and run with it jumping up as we were rolling down the hill. At this point a car approached up. Getting a little scared I go faster but the car follows and opens the window shouting. ‘Get in’ I realise its my taxi boyfriend. (An old friendly man, bitchy Mitchy for the people who have read my previous blog)
After a free lift home we discovered that Mel had in fact gone home with another boy and stole a Cheryl Cole jacket. The whole military red buttoned look. I began a conversation with this boy about the Mohawk (other blog entry) and looked across the room and saw Mel doing the whole Cheryl, fight for this love dance routine in the mirror. One of the funniest moments of my life. I then tucked them in and kissed the
Boys forehead and told him he’s my best friend (I’ve seen him twice in my life)
I don’t remember what happened next but according to her this is what happened next.
We went into the kitchen wrapped in a duvet. You had me against the food cupboards and said ‘I kissed that boy you were going to bring home but it’s ok you have tavern (the boy) instead’ then kissed me. Lesbian drunkness.